A Nice Reflection

 

 

THINK There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.' One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.   He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him. Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.' This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations. Life Is a Gift Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat... Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion. Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.. Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.. ========================== I PRAY THIS MOVES AROUND THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.....

 

Three New Navy Ships

3 New Navy Ships USS REAGAN Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS! When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres.  Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.   Capability Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling                   1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years 2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft 3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet Size 1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline 2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall 3.  Flight deck covers 4.5 acres 4.  4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200  pounds 5.  2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons 6.  4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet   Capacity 1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel 2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days 3.  18,150 meals served daily 4.  Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes       5.  Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones 6.  14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets   USS BILL CLINTON The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence. As a standing order, there are no firearms allowed on board. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs. An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive.  The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.   In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada. USS  BARACK OBAMA Details are  vague.     But don't you worry..........he has a plan

Twitter's #TCOT trolls

If anyone wants to make the sleazy trolls that pollute #TCOT stream on Twitter, you can add IDs to the Global Filter under settings in TweetDeck and, like magic, they disappear.  Here's my current list if anyone wants to copy and use:


@heathenshighway, @mattison, @dakgirl, @dufus, @withyobadself, @raindrops_sf, @michaeltheonel, @oxyteabagger, @casious1964, @craftyme25, @bellablueskye, @bill1phd, @fuckconservativ, @soliditary, @chesterdegrasse, @commiemartyrs, @blink_the_clown, @onerudefucker, @shivabeach, @top20reos, @kisco75, @jazgar, @nnomad_, @ezkool, @paulfreid, @paulfreed, @emperor_bob, @thedavidgs, @gregwbankrupt, @sloopydrew, @oxyconservative, @iephuh, @art2u2, @novenator, @drdigipol, @jolinastar, @its_our_choice, @_gregwhoward, @redscarebot, @achura, @pittgirly, @louvice, @watergirl95, @sandinbrick, @shannon_ahern, @rocky1542, @mdrfl, @wre1948, @sindad1, @thechickabides, @navdoc3rdmar, @politicalbee, @mother_rell, @socooked, @hardknoxfirst, @mccollin2010, @caregiver55, @ghostdansing, @anarchytweet, @barbiesnow, @antiwacko, @cody_k, @progressiveman7, @whumba, @salleegal, @queerjohnpa, @1kecko

Viagra Slogans

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a 'Top Ten List'.

The top ten suggested Viagra slogans were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

 

How Did He Get In There?

Management

 

5 Minute Management Course   Lesson 1:   A priest offered a Nun a lift... She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..... The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek. Further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story:  If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 2:   A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'   'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'  Poof! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in   Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story:  Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 3  An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 4  A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'    'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.... Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story:  Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...  Lesson 5 A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy...  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story:  (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!    THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE. Send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!

  

GREAT JOKE..OR , is it?

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.." So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says,  "Yesterday we were campaigning ...   Today, you voted.."    Vote wisely on November 2, 2010

Happy Halloween !!

SEASON'S GREETINGS

T'was the night before elections

And all through the town

Tempers were flaring

Emotions all up and down

I, in my bathrobe

With a cat in my lap

Had cut off the TV

tired of political clap-trap

When all of a sudden

There arose such a noise

I peered out my window

Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet

They wanted my pay

To give to the others 

Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money

And quick as a wink

Jumped back on his bandwagon

As I gagged from the stink

He then rallied his henchmen

Who were pulling his cart

I could tell they were out

To tear my country apart!

'On Fannie, on Freddie,

On Biden and Ayers!

On Acorn, On Pelosi'

He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause

And as they flew out of sight

I heard him laugh at the nation

Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think

On this one final note—

IF YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM

GET OUT AND VOTE !!!!

GOD BLESS AMERICA , OUR ONLY HOPE!